Loco: Working. It’s working! It’s alive! Mua, ha, ha, ha! Temple: For real? Loco: Yes, the resonance cascade is going! The drill is drilling! And the door, the door will be opening too. Hooray! Temple: Loco, you magnificent bastard! I love you right now! Surge: Let’s not pop the champagne just yet. The Reds and Blues are inside the facility. They have breached the outer defenses! Temple: Fuck! Oh, well whatever. Surge, hold them off. You need to buy us time. Surge: But I don’t have the re- Temple: But nothing, grunt! A soldier follows orders, no matter what. You taught me that. So, make good on it, and buy us some motherfucking time. Surge: Sir, yes, sir! Loco: Ooh! They’re here! Oh boy! I have to get something from the ship. Temple: Whoa, like hell! You need to stay here and watch these controls. Loco: It runs itself, plus I’ll be real quick. Temple: Fine. But listen, Loco. The Reds and Blues are our mortal enemies. If you see them, you have to kill them. Got it? Loco: Okay. Temple: And make it quick. Tucker: Listen up, mission simple. Find that crazy machine and shut it the fuck down. Simmons: Uhh, which way? Tucker: No choice, we’ve got to split up. Reds, head thataways. The Blues and me and Carolina will take the other door. Dylan: That was a hell of a hike up here, Carolina. Are you sure you don’t need a minute? Carolina: Yes. I’m sure if I take it easy, I’ll be fine. You, on the other hand…? Dylan: Jax and I will stay here where it’s safe for us. It’s better that way. Tucker: Let the record state that we all know you’re lying. Dylan: Duly noted. Tucker: Take Donut for protection, at least. Donut:I knew I wore my latex armor for a reason! Grif: Why does Dylan get both the human shields? Sarge: Reds! On me! As far as days to die go, it’s a little overcast. So let’s check our corners, and make these bastards pay! Tucker: Blues! Let’s light the fires and kick the tires! Sarge: Reds! Let’s dance with these monkeys and give ’em what for! Tucker: Blues! Let’s put the pedal to the metal and the rubber to the road! Sarge: Reds! Let’s get jiggy with it! Na na na na nana na! Dylan: Does this sort of thing happen often? Carolina: I think the record is two hours. Sarge: Reds! Let’s shoot this monkey full of heroine and put it on Youtube! Sarge: Actually, let’s not do that, it sounds completely horrible. Sarge: Sneak attack! Oorah! Haha! Sarge: Reds! Let’s teach these midgets how to tango! Caboose: Oh, look! A penny. Tucker: Taking it easy, huh? Carolina: Shut up! …and help me up, please. Sarge and Surge: Well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. Grif: I can’t believe I have to hear this shit in stereo now. Simmons: Hey, um, Tucker already made that joke. Grif: Godammit! Sarge: Grif, Simmons – get on out of here. Simmons: Uh, Sarge, if you’ll allow me, I think that’s stupid. We’ve got him outnumbered three to one. Let’s just shoot him, and move on. Grif: It would be so easy. Simmons: Just put a cap in his ass, and stroll. Sarge: No! I must face my demons mano a mano. Now go. Grif: Hey, come on. We don’t have time for this. Simmons: Uh, try hard to win, sir. Sarge: Well. Here we are. Surge: Two men enter, one man leaves. Dun dun! Sarge: Dun dun dun dun! Surge: Dun dun dun dun! Sarge: Dun dun dun dun dun dun! Surge: Dun dun! Sarge: Dun dun dun! Surge: Dun dun! Dun! Sarge: Surge, it doesn’t have to be this way. We can walk on out of here together. Surge: Unlike you, I would never betray my duty. Sarge: My god, man! open your eyes! You enlisted in the army to help save the world, and here you are about to destroy it! Surge: Am not! Sarge: Are too! Surge: Well, you’re the one who betrayed orders! At least when I die, I’ll die with honor. Sarge: Honour, schmonour. Surge: Audible gasp! Sarge: There’s more life than blindly following orders like some automaton. Surge: What, like friendship? Sarge: Like knowing right from wrong, and good from evil, and Red from Blue. That’s what makes us us. Without it, we ain’t even soldiers. We’re villains! Terroristas. Vampires… Surge: I AIN’T NO VAMPIRE! Surge: Let me go. It’s better I die in battle. Sarge: No, that would be wrong, Surge, …and a true soldier…. …always knows the difference. That’s what real honor, real patriotism, real duty, is all about- Oh, whoops… Doc: Oh, friends! Thank my stars. Tucker: You?
Doc: We have to hurry! The Blues and Reds are up to some serious- -really bad, not good at all mischief, and we’ve got to stop them. Tucker: You’ve got some real nerve, Doc. Doc: What? Guys, I found out about their plans and tried to talk them out of it! It didn’t go… great, and then they locked me up, I swear!
Tucker: Bull-fucking-shit! Doc: Scout’s honor! Except I was never a scout because I’m afraid of badges. -but I’m telling you, the Blues and Reds have broken bad, guys. I’m really worried about them… Tucker: Do you believe a word this asshole is saying, Carolina? …Carolina? Oh, shit! Doc: Oh jeez! What did Temple do to you? They told me you and Wash were at the spa! Tucker: Who would believe that? Carolina: Tucker, you thought we were out getting food. Tucker: I– Okay, hearing that back now, it does sound kinda stupid. Doc: You need medical attention, Carolina. The fact that you made it this far without collapsing is… not really human. Tucker: What do you think you’re doing? Doc: Tucker, I am the only person within a thousand miles with any medical knowledge whatsoever. Now, it’s not much, and I’d honestly feel much more comfortable if there was someone besides me who knew what they were doing… and it’s been a while since I’ve actually practiced, and come to think of it, this is not really a medical device, it’s actually an alien pistol– Carolina: Okay, please stop talking. Tucker, it’s fine. You go after Temple, I’ll catch up when I can. Tucker: [Sighs] …Damn it! Carolina: And Tucker- don’t kill him unless you have to. Tucker: No promises. Grif: Agh! They’re coming up behind us!
Simmons: I’ll find cover. Grif: Agh! Simmons! Just shoot him, Grif! Hurry!
No, Grif, shoot him, he’s Gene! Grif, don’t listen to him, I’m the real Simmons.
He’s lying, Grif, shoot him! Grif: Agh, shit! I can’t hold it, Grif, shoot him! Grif: Why are we here? Simmons and Gene in unison: What? Grif: I said why are we here? Answer me, now! Because we need to stop these evil fucks, that’s why! No. Simmons: We don’t know why we’re here. It’s still one of life’s great mysteries, isn’t it? Gene: Ow! Aghhh! Simmons: Thanks, Grif.
Grif: No problem, dude. Gene: Help! I’m sorry I tried to kill you, it wasn’t personal! Uuugh, help me up, Simmons! Help me up! We can work on inventory spreadsheets together! We’d quote Star Wars and solve quadratic equations! Grif: What are you thinking?
Simmons: I mean, he is all the way over there… Ehh, maybe we can come back for him later.
Gene: What?! What are you talking about? Simmons: I guess I’m just feeling kind of… lazy.
Grif: Nice. Gene: Agh, fuck you, asshole! Fuck you, Simmons! I lied about Star Wars- I actually prefer the prequels! Hahaha! I’m gonna Darth Maul this and come back in a shitty video game! Grif: Christ, he’s annoying.
Simmons: Oh my God, right? It’s not just me? Bucky: Aghh! Suck it, you stupid bastards! When I kill you, I’m gonna defile your corpses. Boom chicka wah wah- [Gun clicks empty] Fuck. Come on. Come on! Fuck… Fuck! Tucker: What’s the matter, Bucky? Can’t get it up? Ohhh, so tight. Tucker: Game over, Temple. Temple: Hardly, more like game on- and just in time for the fireworks, no less. Tucker: Turn that thing the fuck off! Temple: Impossible, plus, aren’t you curious about what happens next? According to Loco, we’re almost to the awesome part. I, for one, am quite curious about this “door” he keeps going on about. Tucker: What happens next is you’re going to destroy the fucking planet if you don’t turn off that machine! Temple: No need to be dramatic– Dylan: It’s true. Loco’s machine is a doomsday device. You’ll destroy the UNSC, but you’ll wipe out the entire planet in the process. Temple: Bullshit, you all just want to help the UNSC in exchange for more medals or favors. Well, fuck you. And anyway, it’s too late; no off switch, you see? You can’t stop it and neither can I. Sarge: Hands up, dirtbag.
Temple: Sir, yes, sir! Temple: It’s toasty in here, isn’t it? Why don’t we all just fucking chill… Beep! Tucker: God damn it! I can’t move! Sarge: Son of a… I’m stiff as a statue! Donut: I’m stiff too! And my armor is locked!
Caboose: What’s wrong with them? Temple: Oh, that’s right. You’re a special case, aren’t you, Caboose? Courtesy of that old helmet of yours. How about this- you don’t fucking move, and I don’t fucking pop your friends like pimples with this remote? Tucker: He’s bluffing.
Temple: Try me. OK, Shelly, play ‘Monologue Mix.’ Temple: You know, you all remind me of my favorite Churchill quote- “Yours is a story told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing.” Apropos, no? Sarge: Meh, My monologues were better. Temple: Rome wasn’t burned in a day, but the UNSC will be! You attacked them, on behalf of Kimball, and independence, and the DNA that you left at our base will be the icing on your destruction. You’ll be stuck between a rock and the frying pan. Jax: Oh, my ears! You are terrible with metaphors. Dylan: Temple, you have to stop this! We’re not lying about the planet! Temple: I didn’t start the fire, it was always burning since the world’s been turning. They made their cake, now they can lie in it! Tucker: What about the dozens you killed? Your own men? The pilots at Desert Gulch, who answers for them? Temple: Oh, if I said that I would weep for them would it make you feel any better? Grif: No, but kicking your ass might! Get away from my pals! You dipshit! Hyaaaahahah! Temple: That was amazing! Do it again, do it again! So much for heroism. Join your friends in the circle or die here. Grif: I’m not going anywhere. Temple: Have it your way. Dylan: What’s the matter, Temple? Afraid of blood? Temple: Shut up! Sarge: Ha ha, alright! Tucker: Game on, bitches! Loco: Hey! Caboose! I have something for you, Caboose! Temple: Oh, fuck! Ugh, that idiot! Caboose: Loco! Loco: Your batteries – I brought you some, Caboose. You can- You can fix Freckles now. Caboose: Oh, oh thank you. Is he… is he gonna die? Dylan: I think so. Loco, the machine. How do we turn it off? Loco: You can’t. Impossible, but, Caboose! I did make the door because friends, best friends should be able…able to say goodbye. Dylan: What does he mean? Loco: Bye bye… Caboose: Bye… Alpha Church: Caboose? Rookie, what the hell are you doing up here? You’re supposed to be guarding the flag!