ANTHONY: Wah Wah. I’m a baby. I do baby things. IAN: SHUT UP! (video game sounds) – Hey, Ian, did you steal my green smoothie again?
– What? (crash) No, come on, man. You know I’m on my brown food only diet. Wait, are you still playing that same game you’ve been playing for like four days straight? Uh yeah, they added a challenge mode and a bunch of little donut pets. Dude, check out how freaking cute my donut pet is! – So cute…
– I know. – So cute!
– Super cute right? Right!? Yeah, I’m the best dad ever! CHARLIE: Yeah, you’re a real great dad. I guess that’s why I’m f***ing dead, right?! Shut up, Charlie! You’re just drunk! I’m not drunk. You can’t bring booze up into heaven. It sucks! (Donut pet dies) Oh, it sounds like your video game pet just died while you’re talking to your real-life dead pet. OH GOD DAMNIT! (smashes phone on the floor) Ohh. (tapping) Great. Now I’m a bad iphone dad, too! (doorbell rings) (exhales) Sweet! Random food on the ground! Wait wait – (donut crying) It’s alive… So what I can’t eat it? You would eat a baby?! (donut continues crying) God, dude. You’re right. I can’t be a bad doughnut dad too. Don’t worry, man, You won’t be… We’re gonna get through this by banding together and using the power of – Child protective services, it’s Regina speaking? Oh, yes? We have a small baby here that were afraid we’re gonna kill, so you need to come by and get it from us. What’s the gender, approximate height, and weight of the baby? Um… (donut giggles) Male maybe? Yeah, like a three inches tall, maybe two ounces, I don’t know it’s, uh, it’s really squishy… Ah, stop squishing the baby, sir! Why do these idiots think they can squish the baby?! What’s the ethnicity and eye color? Uh… he’s pink with sprinkles. And he has no eyes. Let me get this straight; your baby has no freaking eyeballs! Is covered in sprinkles and is smaller than an Asian dick! Are you guys on the bath salts? Lady, the life of a small vulnerable child is resting in our completely unqualified hands! Now are you coming by to help us or not? And, please hurry because I really want to eat him. (groans) Fine…keep it alive for a few more hours. I’ll be right there. Whoa, did she just compared our baby to an asian dick? Yeah, and is she talking about like an asian dude that’s like a jerk or she’s saying like an actual asian penis? Uh… It’s extremely racist. Extremely confusing. (sighs) Well, if we don’t do anything at all then we can’t kill it right? Like, I guess? (donut cries again but louder) – AH, PICK IT UP!
– YOU PICK IT UP! Oh, shut up, you poop duds, you just need to feed it! (donut continues bawling) We can try that.. (donut shrieking) It’s not working, dude! What the hell are our nipples for anyway?! Well, we can’t let it starve to death! I got a better idea! Come on, you have to eat… That is f*cked up. Oh, I’m sorry. If you think you could do a better job, then YOU take care of him! You have had your nipples into his mouth, so he’s bonded with YOU! Oh, well I guess if you don’t care about him then I guess you wouldn’t mind if I took a big fat f*cking dump on him! DON’T YOU SH*T ON THIS BABY! YOU WILL NOT SH*T ON OUR BABY! DUDE! YOU’RE GETTING A PIECE OF MY CHILD IN MY MOUTH! (screaming, grunting) Stop! (groans) Let go of my child! Ah! BOTH: Crap! WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE?! Oh my God! It was an accident! Nice. Oooh! No, no no no.. random food on the ground. NO NO NO NO NO! OH MY GOD! That’s our baby! YOU JUST ATE OUR FRICKIN CHILD! No idiots, this is just a donut! THIS is a baby! – What the f*ck?
– Kind of.. (clicks tongue) Well, so thanks for bringing me out here for nothing, ASSHOLES! (muffled) Oh yeah, stay off the drugs. What the f*ck just happened? (laughing) Oh, you guys are dumb. (laughs) I drugged your stupid green smoothie with hallucinogens. You see, I really need to get drunk, so I had a sense I can get out of heaven to get down to hell! Free booze and hot Demon babes, here I come! (laughs) Oh, wait, NO NO I’M ON FIRE! Oh this is a terrible idea! Aaaagh! (Charlie screaming) (sizzling) (doorbell rings) – We’re definitely still tripping, right?
– Yep! (baby giggles) Dude, look, my donut baby’s alive again. Oh, and he’s so cute. Aw, I’m the best donut dad ever! Yeah you are. (baby laughs) Mmm. (baby crying) (police sirens) (baby babbles) (cat meows) Hey guys, thanks for watching. Click the subscribe button to get our questionably sexy bodies in your feed every week. If you want to see bloopers from this video and watch us try to father a real baby? Click the video on the left and click the video on the right if you guys want to get our game food battle the game We just added a new Update where you can use those pits [that] you saw in the video you can raise them. You can evolve them You could use them in battle And also use them on our new challenge mode that we just added so make sure to check that out [right] now (gunshots) Woohoo! (happy music)